By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS, CPCS

Jack sat in my office crying. His 3-year marriage was falling apart as his wife threatened to file for divorce due to his continuous pornography addiction. “I can’t believe I am so close to losing the woman I love,” he told me. “But trying to stop looking at pornography is so difficult. I have no control over it.”

Jack was correct in recognizing that breaking an addiction to pornography is not easy. However, it was incorrect when he said, “I have no control over it”. Each time Jack views pornography he decides to remain enslaved to sin. He decides his need for self-centered pleasure is more important than his relationship with his wife or God.

For Jack to win his battle against pornography he needs to make a radical decision to stop being enslaved to sin and instead become enslaved to God. What does being enslaved to God look like? It will require Jack each day pick up his cross and die for Jesus. As you know, a person who carried a cross during Roman rule had a destination with death. By dying Jack will begin the process of shedding his sinful scales one by one and replacing them with a Spiritual mindset. What does a Spiritual mindset look like?

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law.” Gal. 5:22-23

With a Spiritual mindset Jack will learn to sacrifice and turn away from destructive worldly pleasures that are accepted by today’s society. Each day, he will shed away his ugly scales by saying no to temptation and instead be renewed by the Holy Spirit that dwells within him. He will be blessed by listening and be guided by the voice of truth. Through this process Jack will come to understand he is no controlled by sin but instead he is now enslaved to God. And with that comes one of God’s greatest promises.

“The mind of the sinful man is death, but the mind controlled by the Spirit is life and peace.”

Rom. 8:6

There will be several aspects to Jack’s treatment regimen including medication, group therapy and looking within to determine why he uses pornography to stimulate himself when he is feeling emotionally depleted. But nothing is more critical to his recovery than making a conscious decision to become enslaved to God.

What about you? If you are struggling with sin, it’s time to break its bonds of slavery and instead become enslaved to God.

Suggested reading: Romans 8

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS, CPCS

He is not doing enough,” exclaimed Susan speaking about her husband Artie who betrayed her with his numerous affairs and pornography use.

Her statement left me a little puzzled since I thought Artie had been doing well in his recovery. And from what I could see, Artie certainly had been doing everything that was asked of him. So, I asked Susan, “What do you need that he is not doing?”

“I don’t know,” she answered. “But he is not doing enough.”

Then it hit me. “Are you saying he is not doing enough in his recovery or he is not doing enough to help your recovery,” I asked her.”

“It’s always about him,” she said as tears formed in her eyes. “What about me? When does he start to focus on how much I am hurting?”

Susan felt Artie was rushing her recovery and wanted her to “get over it” so they could return to their normal life. What Artie did not understand is they could not return to their former relationship. In Susan’s eyes that relationship didn’t work. And she was right. There was no going back. The only road to travel – if they were to remain together – was forward.

But Susan’s words left me on a quest to determine if other women dealing with betrayal were experiencing similar feelings. And I soon discovered the answer was yes. Over a period of four month I asked numerous women if their husbands were doing enough to help them heal and all of them said no.

A woman who has been betrayed wants to know her husband understands the depth of her suffering. More importantly she wants to believe he will be supportive as she heals and not try to rush her through the process.

A man must realize not only is his wife’s trust destroyed but so is her self-worth has taken a beating. She believes you desire something more than she can offer. She wonders what is wrong with her that you sought stimulation elsewhere.

So the question you must answer is ‘do you truly want to help her heal’ or do you want to continue to wish her pain away? Because if you want to brush this under the carpet you are in for a long and painful relationship. But if you sincerely want what’s best for her and desire to help her recover from the emotional pain I have a solution for you.

Walk into the Fire.

What does that mean you ask?

Walking into the Fire is when you proactively approach your wife during a time when things seem calm and ask a question similar to this: “I am checking on you and was wondering if you would like to share something that may have troubled you today about the pain I caused you”.

Ouch!

Now you’re thinking to yourself that sounds dangerous. And you’re right. Going to her and asking her to share her pain with you will most likely leave a significant burn. But it’s the long-term payoff that you’re seeking.

“I took your advice,” said Fred during one of our counseling sessions. “She seemed to be having a good day so I took a chance and ask her what negatives thoughts she was experiencing.

“It started out OK but turned into an inferno pretty quickly,” he continued. “It made me very nervous and I was concerned she would not calm down. However, a couple hours later she came to me saying thank you for being considerate enough to care about what she was feeling. It worked.”

Fred’s wife was appreciative because he demonstrated he was willing to stay with her as she struggled through her pain. This told her he wasn’t trying to pull her along in her recovery and was going to allow her the time she needed to grieve and heal.

It is important to understand when a woman is grieving the betrayal she suffered she is healing. Men need to be patient, understanding, calm and stay present during grieving periods. The guys who learn to do this well are the ones who see their wives recover faster and their marriages restored.

Be smart, start Walking into the Fire.

By Eddie Capparucci, Ph.D., LPC, CSAS, CPCS

How do you want to be remembered?

It’s probably not a question we men ponder often. But we should. In fact, it’s probably one of the most critical questions we should ask ourselves. Why? Because whether we like it or not, we are role models. People are watching us. And when they’re watching they are observing how we:

Respond to conflict
Treat others
Approach our work and responsibilities
Act in moments when integrity counts most
Honor our wives
Whether we realize it or not, people are watching. These include our spouse, children, co-workers, friends and neighbors. And what they are observing is the establishing of our legacy – the way people will remember us.

But there is a cancer that is killing the legacies of many men in our world today. It’s called pornography.

“It’s difficult to look at him the same way since finding out about his pornography addiction,” said Mark, a 24-year-old whose father confessed after his 33-year addiction was discovered. “It’s not that I don’t love him anymore but my image of the man who always did the right thing has been tainted by the pain he caused my mother.”

Whether your spouse and children are aware of your pornography use, you are cheating them. The image they hold of you is nothing more than a façade. Each day, thousands of men are caught engaging in the selfish pleasure of pornography, which results in the breaking of their wives’ and children’s hearts. It is a betrayal that destroys marriages and robs children of their innocence.

“My husband left his pornography unattended and our 12-year-old son stumbled across it,” says one mother. “He then started to act out what he saw with his 9-year-old sister. Both of my children are forever damaged by my husband’s filthy habit. Bringing pornography into our home destroyed all of our lives and I’m not sure I can ever forgive him.”

As men, we can do many things our loved ones respect and admire. But all those deeds are undermined when we allow ourselves to succumb to the darkness of pornography. Failing to get control of our lust can undermine everything we work hard to achieve while leaving those close to us seeing us through tainted lenses.

“People in our community look up to him and he is a Deacon in our church,” remarks Suzanne, who continues to struggle with feelings of betrayal after discovering her husband’s long-time pornography use. “But the image he portrays is phony. He’s not the man they think he is. When I hear someone praise him I cringe. Yet, he keeps up the charade, which leads me to slowly continue to lose whatever respect I still have for him.”

As men, we must challenge ourselves to uncover the insights behind our use of pornography. You don’t engage because of an uncontrollable sexual hunger. You engage to distract yourself from emotional distress. And in many cases, you may not be conscious of what that emotional pain is about.

There is no doubt that pornography is an excellent tool that helps men escape. But it also is a damaging tool that kills legacies.

How do you want to be remembered?

SCHEDULE APPOINTMENT

By Eddie Capparucci, LPC, CSAS

“God can’t possibly love someone like me.” I hear statements like this at least once a week in my counseling practice and it makes me very sad. Those words come from Christians who believe God cannot and will not accept them because of their sinful nature.

But they could not be more wrong. What they’re doing is projecting the negative feelings they have about themselves onto God. What they are really dealing with is shame.

Satan came up with a great emotional mind-bender when he invented shame. He knew it would be one of the most powerful tools he could use to keep us separated from God and others. He uses our mistakes, regrets and past traumas to generate on-going emotional and mental distress within us. He knows shame is the most toxic of all emotions and can leave Christians feeling hopeless and isolated.

But that is not the life God envisioned for us. His desire is for us to live an abundant life in which we experience peace and joy despite whatever circumstances we are facing. However, shame will prevent us from achieving His desires and in fact, will drive us away from Him.

But there is an antidote to our shame. It is called Grace. Through his remarkable Grace we can be free from the darkness of shame and understand God takes our past and puts it in the past. You see, God is not looking backward, He is looking forward.

But sometimes simply having the insight God loves and accepts us unconditionally is not enough to break free from the shame we feel. We still want to run away and hide. But you can’t hide from God. He sees our brokenness and understands it causes us shame. Let’s look at Psalm 139 for the truth.

“If I say, “Surely the darkness will hide me, and the light become night around me, even the darkness will not be dark to you; the night will shine like the day, for darkness is as light to you” (Psalm 139: 11-12 NIV).

God tries to explain to us – “do not be afraid to approach Me with your shame. You try to keep it in the dark away from Me, but that is not possible because I know your shame and I will bring it into the light. Bring your shame to me, not so that I can condemn you, but so that I can remove it from you”.

This is a powerful message for those who believe God can never accept them because of their sinful behaviors. But once again, the idea that God is unapproachable and uncaring is nothing more than Satan’s lies designed to drive a wedge between God and us. What we need to believe is He accepts us and loves us unconditionally despite our brokenness and sinful behavior.

Learn more about shame and how it impacts our relationship with God and others, as well as it’s effect on our destructive behaviors in the new book entitled: Removing Your Shame Label: Learning to Break From Shame and Feel God’s Love. Order your copy today at: www.removingyourshamelabel.com

By Eddie Capparucci Ph.D., LPC, CSAS, CPCS

Many Christians struggle to feel God’s love because of their own shame. This book tackles an issue that is not addressed enough in our churches – Christians who live and suffer with shame because they do not believe they measure up to receive God’s love. As a result, they feel disconnected from God and have a difficult time feeling His love.

As a Christian counselor with a private practice in Marietta, GA, I see two frightening similarities in many Christian clients.

1. They carry a burden of shame that results from an inability to control sinful behavior. We tend to believe God’s seal of approval is based on our “performance.” This creates a mindset of never measuring up to what God expects from us. This leads to what I call a Shame Label.

2. There is an endless struggle to feel God’s love and presence. “What does God’s love feel like” we ask. We dare not move toward Him in fear He will label us as disappointments and reject us. What we fail to recognize is we are projecting the negative feelings we have about ourselves onto God. We have adopted lies Satan drills into our heads in an attempt to hinder our relationship with the Father. We are trapped in the Christian Shame Cycle, which leaves us feeling spiritually empty.

What makes this book unique?

This book outlines various methods to help us manage destructive behaviors such as self-loathing, undisciplined thinking, inflated pride, excessive worrying, and loving with conditions. Learning to love ourselves leads to removal of shame and in turn a better understanding of how God sees us. This is not about teaching people to try harder to control sinful desires; it is about giving them real solutions to manage sinful behaviors. This is an integrated approach of Christian values and counseling exercises to help readers:

• Break their destructive sin cycle
• Reduce their level of shame
• Forge confidence in a renewed relationship with God

These are clinical and spiritual approaches I utilize in my own practice and have seen work with my clients. Case studies are utilized to provide readers with real-world experiences.

The objective of this book is to bring Christians out of spiritual darkness by assisting them in establishing an authentic relationship with Jesus Christ. It will help individuals overcome illogical thinking that leads them to wear negative shame labels. It also will correct their misperception that God rejects them. My overall objective is to help readers rid themselves of shame by learning how to better managing their destructive behaviors and enjoy a more intimate relationship with God.

Sitting on the couch in my counseling office, Sondra wore a blank expression on her face staring off into space but her mind was racing with thoughts about her husband Dennis. When I asked her what she was thinking about she quickly rattled off a list of worries and concerns.

“Why would he do this to our family?”

“What is going on in his head? Is he still thinking about them?”

“How do I know he will not do something like this again?”

“Is he learning anything about himself that will help him change?”

Sondra’s list of concerns was normal for a woman who seven weeks ago discovered her husband had been meeting women he found through Craigslist for casual sexual encounters. I asked her what Dennis had been sharing with her about his recovery. Her answer saddened me.” Nothing,” she said. “He has told me nothing. It’s like my life is on hold.”

Despite the good work Dennis was doing during counseling sessions as well his processing of information in between visits, it was being offset by leaving Sondra in the dark. When a partner is kept out of the recovery process they are left wondering if the offender is changing or even capable of being changed. This in turn generates anxiety in the offended partner and limits their ability to emotionally reconnect with the sex addict in fear of being hurt again.

Dennis’ reasons for not sharing his progress with Sondra are very typical of most men who have been caught abusing sex. He was reluctant to bring up the subject with his wife for fear that she would respond negatively and an argument would result. He also kept her in the dark because discussing any aspect of his addiction triggered his own shame and guilt.

While both reasons are understandable they only lead to more harm and distance between the couple. Keeping your wife or girlfriend in the dark because it lessens your anxiety only continues to serve the self-centered approach you have always taken in the relationship. It is time to put your selfish needs aside and to take every step possible to build within your partner a sense of hope that you can change. One of the most effective ways of doing this is sharing what you are learning about yourself and your addiction.

I have found that couples who work together through the process of recovery end up reconnecting sooner and in a healthier way than couples who do their work separately. One couple I worked with was extremely committed to sharing with each other what they were learning about themselves and their relationship as they went through the healing process. Two years after they first entered counseling they were facilitating a couples’ support group for those struggling to reconnect following sexual betrayal.

Stop keeping her in the dark and help her better understand sexual addiction and where you stand today.

It is critical for the sex addict to keep his partner in the light and share what he is experiencing – both positive and negative. This will lessen the partner’s anxiety and reduce some of the negative racing thoughts experienced.

An article in the popular magazine Women’s Health outlined three reasons why couples should watch pornography together. Obviously, the writers and editors of Women’s Health don’t have a lot of experience in seeing how couples who watch pornography together can quickly see the erosion of their relationships.

Carla and Jonah started counseling after she found sexually-graphic text messages that he had been sending to women he met in chat rooms. He would later confess to her that he had been having online sexual encounters with three different women in which he would masturbate while reading the erotic text they exchanged back and forward.

Carla was devastated and rightfully so felt betrayed and humiliated. She could not understand how Jonah would need to engage in such activities especially since they had an active sex life that included watching pornography together on a regular basis. What she did not realize was she was enabling his sexual addiction by condoning the use of pornography.

Abusing sex with activities such as pornography provides a level of stimulation for men that they don’t achieve with their partner. Therefore, in order to heighten sexual intimacy between a man and woman there should be no outside stimulus that interferes with the natural bond that God designed.

Getting back to the Women’s Health article, the first reason for encouraging couples to watch porn together is so the male partner doesn’t have to hide his addiction. I could not agree more. Men should not be hiding their pornography addiction but instead they should be encouraged to bring it out of the darkness and into the light. And once in the light they can see pornography serves as a distraction from emotional distress they are suppressing.

A woman who discovers her husband has been secretly watch pornography and agrees to start viewing it with him immediately raises a red flag for me. There is one of two things going on with that woman. Either she is afraid that telling him she doesn’t want him watching porn will drive him away from her, or she has suffered from emotional and/or physical trauma in the past that has left her seeing nothing wrong with women being used and humiliated. Each time she watches pornography with her partner another small piece of her dignity is stripped away.

Reason number two given for couples to view porn is “it can turn you on big time”. They are right pornography is designed to mentally and physically stimulate people. However, the point being overlooked is people are designed to stimulate people. Individuals who build a relationship based on true emotionally intimacy discover they also have a strong physical attraction for each other. This is a natural response God designed for us to experience.

“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer—may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.” Proverbs 5:18-19

It is your wife’s breasts that should satisfy you and not looking at another woman’s breasts. There is something very strange about the concept of preferring to watch a woman on video while you are in the presence of a real one. Basically what this says is the emotional bond between those couples is not fully attached. And over time the likelihood of further emotional separation is extremely high.

According to Women’s Health, the final reason for couples to watch pornography together is it will “inspire you to speak up in bed”. Basically couples are being told they need outside stimuli in their relationship in order to have the courage to discuss sex. But again, if a couple is struggling in communicating to each other their sexual needs and desires it is most likely a sign they struggling with their communication in other areas of their relationship.

Pornography-sex lacks genuine connection. It is not possible to be fully focused on your partner if you are engaging in pornography. And if a couple is not engaged with each other in the bedroom there is a very strong chance they are not fully connected outside of the bedroom. Instead of bringing pornography into your bedroom consider bringing God into your marriage.

“A person standing alone can be attacked and defeated, but two can stand back-to-back and conquer. Three are even better, for a triple-braided cord is not easily broken.” Ecclesiastes 4:12

Introducing God to your marriage will open your eyes to a new way of connecting with each other both emotionally and physically. There will be no need for the three-ring circus in the bedroom, but instead you will find gratification and wholeness in each other.

Couples and pornography simply don’t mix. Just ask someone like Carla.

Want to be a better husband or wife? Try implementing a few of these ideas into your relationship.

1. Be encouraging: attempt to catch your spouse doing something good at least once a day and recognize them for it.

2. Be forgiving: this is one of the keys to a successful relationship but it also can be extremely difficult to master. Work on it.

3. Validate emotions: don’t shut down your spouse by telling them “not to feel that way” or attempting to fix the problem, but instead work to better understand the emotions they are expressing.

4. Be empathic: we love better when we can understand the rationale behind irrational behavior. Uncovering the reasons (fears, past hurts) behind your spouse’s negative actions can go a long way in helping you deal with the pain they can cause.

5. Slow down: stop being reactive to their negative behavior and slow everything down so you can respond without adding fuel to the fire.

6. Be respectful: kidding remarks and little digs can be the sign of passive-aggressive behavior. Be sure to tame your tongue and monitor what comes out of your mouth.

7. Do the little things: leave them a message with mirror chalk on the bathroom mirror; drop a card into their briefcase; bring them their favorite chocolate bar; there are a thousand little things you can do to demonstrate you are thinking of them.

8. Engage in non-sexual touch: show your spouse you desire them even when sex is not involved.

9. Be present: it is easy to be in the same room but still be miles away. Make an effort to put everything else aside and focus solely on your spouse several time throughout the day.

10. Pray: spend time everyday praying for your spouse. Also set aside time to pray together.

One of the first questions I ask couples when they come into my office is “what is their counseling objective”. It is not unusual for them to say “we want to stop fighting.” Now, that is a wonderful objective. However it is completely unrealistic. Healthy married couples are going to argue occasionally – there is no getting around that fact.
What their objective should be is how to manage conflict when it arises. That means keeping arguments under control and preventing them from igniting into infernos. The following are some basic guidelines that can assist couples in helping to manage conflict in their marriage.

1. Understand conflict is natural. Married couples who have a passion for their relationship are bound to get into arguments from time to time. It’s the couples who say they never fight that I really worry about. That indicates there is little one-on-one engagement and/or passion in the relationship. If you find yourself in a conversation with your spouse that is starting to get heated “slow everything down” so you can make a more accurate assessment of what is occurring. Ask your spouse questions instead of making statements so you can develop clarity and help them see you are trying to be understanding.

2. Shift your focus from being heard to listening. During arguments couples place more emphasis on what they are going to say next than paying attention to what their spouse is saying. When this occurs, you miss out on understanding the emotions behind the comments your partner is expressing. Practicing to pay close attention to what your spouse is saying and holding off on formulating your counter response. Listen not only to the words but the emotions behind the words. When you believe you understand what your spouse is feeling, validate his/her emotions. What we are aiming for is having conversations that are not focused on “stuff” but instead “feelings”.

3. Stay on topic. During arguments it is very easy for one or both individuals to shift gears and move from one subject to another in an effort to try and win points. Before you know it, the real reason for the argument is a distance memory, while the couple wanders off attacking each other with any verbal ammunition they can mustard up. Individuals usually shift topics when they believe they are losing their original argument. However, in a marriage in which two people are more centered on the desires of the other’s heart they should not be fixated on winning. Instead they should be aiming to “resolve” conflict and stay connect.

4. Be responsive and not reactive. It is not unusual in the heat of the moment for individuals to say whatever comes to mind. This is a reactive behavior. When we are reactive we usually don’t have all of the information we need to communicate effectively with our spouse. We are basically shooting from the hip and in most cases our aim will be off. Couples who have mastered the art of managing conflict understand the need to be responsive, which means taking a moment to comprehend what their mate has said and asking for clarification before replying. This is one of the most effective measures you can take to keep conflicts from escalating.

5. Cut out defensive dialogue, which sounds like this:
“I thought you were going to clean the garage today?”
“Why don’t you worry about cleaning the kitchen and leave the garage to me.”
“Because if I don’t say anything you won’t do anything.”
“You’re talking to me about not doing anything? You are one of the laziness people I have ever known.”
“I’m lazy? Are you kidding? When was the last time you did anything around here?”

This is an argument that will continue to go in circles until one or both parties gets emotionally exhausted and walks away. Defensiveness consists of insults and counter-attacks. Individuals are trying to take the focus off of them and put it on their spouses. It is nothing more than attacking and it’s ugly.

You defeat defensiveness by focusing on what your spouse is trying to say and not allowing yourself to get offended by what you hear. This requires you “slow everything down” so you can be sure you’re accurately hearing what is being said versus jumping to conclusions. Overtime, defensiveness destroys relationships. You need to weed it out of your marriage immediately.

6. Learn to accept influence. During arguments it is not uncommon for people to shut down and become harden to the other’s opinion. By accepting influence we allow ourselves to be open and understanding to what our spouse is communicating. Studies have demonstrated this approach is more difficult for men than women. But couples who do accept influence see an improvement in the teamwork aspect of their relationship. What does it look like? Basically it is being open minded to what your spouse is trying to communicate.

7. Seek additional insight. There are times during relationships when everything seems out of control. During these times it may be beneficial to seek the help of an outside source to help sort through the issues. Don’t be fearful of seeking input from a trained professional such as a pastor or counselor.

Finally, it is important to realize that in marriages where there is a great deal of conflict the issue is not poor communication. The real problem is the marriage is lacking emotional connection. Each individual is frustrated and feels the other is not available to them. They feel alone and abandon.

Is there anything that gets us in more trouble than our tongue? All of us from time to time say things that we immediately realize we should have never said. Can you recall the sense of panic at that moment when you realized there was no turning back from the ugliness that came out of your mouth? Hopefully for you, those moments are few. But for others the inability to control what comes out of their mouths is a constant issue. And nowhere do we see this more than in marriage. In fact, in many marriages hurtful words are more the norm.

Couples have forgotten what it is like to interact with each other in a healthy manner. This of course leads to not only poor communication but more importantly destructive and hurtful arguments. So what is the answer for those couple who find themselves daily in the same negative pattern that they can’t seem to escape from? Simple. Slow everything down.

Most of the time when we say the wrong thing it is because we are being “reactive” to the situation we are facing instead of being “responsive”. This leads us to respond to our spouse emotionally rather than logically. By slowing things down and evaluating what is really taking place it affords us the opportunity to respond less emotionally therefore breaking the argumentative cycle. It allows for us to process what our spouse said as opposed to simply reacting to what we believe is their attempt to offend us.